Men - what is wrong with them

[Lizzieh]

You probably remember we had to cancel our holiday recently coz my partners dad died. Well had an email from my insurance to say they are not paying the £500 as he was already ill when we booked and didn't tell them. Well no we didn't coz he wasn't coming away with us and where do we draw the line. I could have given them a list of my parent's illnesses, my grandparents, my children etc etc.
Anyway to make matters worse my partner says its my fault for booking the holiday without consulting him, which I did anyway and then he said I am insensitive for even telling him about the email when his dad has only been dead for 5 weeks.

I'm so angry and hurt as I have been there for him the whole time and as for the holiday, it is my money as I have soley supported us for 5 years. He hasn't worked or paid a penny. So that is the final straw and I have asked him to leave but now I wonder if I am being cruel.
So I might not be around much for a while.
Sorry about the rant.

[dragon]

So sorry for you

But - if he´s not supporting you with money (or paid for the vacation himself), then why is angry in first place?
I mean, I don´t know why he has not worked, or why he has no money, maybe there´s a really good reason for it, but either way, in my opinion it´s very ungrateful.

I think you should not feel guilty over it.

Big

[Point Pelee]

Hello Liz, I am sorry to hear that life can be very trying at times. I don't think that you are wrong for feeling hurt. I think your OH is still grieving for the loss of his father, and at the same time feels awful that, you will not be receiving a refund. I honestly believe that when we are hurting, we take out our stresses, on the one's we love most. Unfortunately, you are the receiving end of that punching bag.

Is it too late to repair your relationship? You have invested a lot of time, energy and love together; I think communication is so important. Maybe you need a little time and space, to re-evaluate what you want; and when you are ready to talk with him, you will. Sometimes writing down your thoughts on paper may help, I find it quite cathartic .

The forum is also a great place for support, strength and encouragement. Liz you are not alone!

Take care,
Sandra

[Fizzbw]

Men can be so stupid. He is having a hard time and grieving right now but it doesn't give him an opt out on being a kind person or behaving in a normal way. But he may not see t that way and grief can do strange things to people.

Maybe a break will do you both good, it certainly seems as if the finances are causing more and more niggles.

I hope whatevery you do you'll keep us in the loop so we can support you.

I have/had a friend who lost her husband a year ago, but has let her grief take over and she has lost all capability of caring about other people. I got dumped as fast as fast as I was, in her eyes, a bit insensitive about her stressing about such minor things, though I was in a desperate place myself. While I think friends are supposed to be there through the hard times, that counts for both of you not just one party.

Be strong, don't let anger make you do things you regret but clear the air.

Big hugs

Niki xxx

[Stitchinkitty]

"I'm so angry and hurt as I have been there for him the whole time and as for the holiday, it is my money as I have soley supported us for 5 years. He hasn't worked or paid a penny. So that is the final straw and I have asked him to leave but now I wonder if I am being cruel."

You have been above and beyond supportive.Without knowing any deatails I feel he has been using you and living off you.
You are not being cruel.You are being brave and putting yourself ahead of someone who obviously does not appreciate you.

[LilacDragon]

Just because he is grieving doesn't mean you can't or don't have feelings, too!

I take care of my husband, who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Without going into the whole mess - he was blown up twice and, while his body is whole, his mind is not. He has nightmares, anxiety attacks and depression. He rarely leaves our house.

Sometimes, he forgets that I have feelings, too, and needs to be reminded. After almost 20 years though, my heart still skips a beat when I see him and nothing makes my day better than an unexpected phone call or text message from him.

Only you can decide the state of your relationship and whether it is time to part. Just remember, there are people who love you and will support you, no matter what decision you make.

[Mabel Figworthy]

It is difficult to know the ins and outs of someone else's relationship, if only because it is so much more than whatever is happening at the moment -- but I quite understand why you feel hurt. Unfortunately, as others have said, often people turn grief into anger, and the ones on the receiving end are the ones who are around; in this case, you.

You will have to decide what this relationship is worth to you; whether you feel used, or whether you think this is a temporary blip and he is usually a kind and caring and appreciative person.

Another thing to bear in mind (I've seen this in a friend's marriage) is that some men can be very sensitive about not being the "breadwinner"; they feel they should be, and that they are a failure if for whatever reason they can't be. Perhaps that also makes your partner insecure/angry/tactless?

[BizzieLizzie]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had the same thought as Mabel about him maybe being sensitive about not being the breadwinner. I had an ex-boyfriend who got angry with me for pushing the shopping trolley at the supermarket because he felt emasculated by it. It really doesn't take much.

Grieving for his father does not give him the right to take it out on you. I think you are totally justified in feeling hurt and angry, and I wish you all the best in finding a solution, whatever that may be.

[mags]

So sorry you are in this situation, Liz, rant away. I am sure things will work out for the best, whatever that may be.

[rcperryls]

We are here for you, no matter what you decide is the best solution. In the meantime, this is a great and safe place for as much ranting as you need to do. whenever you need them.

Carole

[Lizzieh]

Thanks everyone. I feel really bad for venting on here last night. It makes me realise how important my forum friends are.
You have all said some very wise things. Yes I know he is really sensitive about me earning the money but to be fair to him he does more than his fairshare of looking after the house and the shopping etc.
We have had a long talk today and realized that we both were stressed and we both said things and reacted in ways that we knew would wind up the other one. I think things may be better moving forwards now. Yes I do support him which sometimes I resent but it is not as if I am naive, I know what I am doing.
So heres to upwards and onwards. (And I am going to fight the insurance company in the same way I am still fighting the tax credits people!)

[mags]

Glad that you seem to have sorted yourselves out.
As for the insurance - go get 'em !

[Stephaniejane91]

Like the others have mentioned he is probably struggling with the death of his father still.

My partner lost his mother 7 years ago last week, I wasn't with him when she died but he struggles and won't ever talk about it and I know deep down he is still grieving after all this time.

Saying that though, I think you have every right to be mad as you weren't to foresee his fathers death coming and besides the point if he doesn't help you with an income then its a bit unfair also.

I hope you will be ok. I am new on here but hope we can be friends

Take care x

[thegrindre]

I'm staying outta this thread...

[Lizzieh]

Of course - the men here are exempt!!

[thegrindre]

Ops, excuse me.

[Lizzieh]

Ops, excuse me.

By which I mean there is nothing wrong with the wonderful men on here. After all they understand stitching!

[Point Pelee]

I'm happy to hear, all is well and talking with your OH.

Sandra

[stitchingmae]

I am happy to hear things are better between you. My mom passed away 15 years ago...the day of the day before more so her death..I am a pretty hard person to be around. My poor DH can do no right those days....if he is too sympathetic he is patronizing me...if he is too "normal" then "he doesn't give a **mn about me"...
Grief can do weird things, I am sure he feels for you loosing the money and he just can't take a lot more right now...and instead of being nice about it, he flipped out on you..not fair to you..I know. Please feel free me send me pm's if he is driving you too crazy because believe it or not..you too are hurting and it can be very hard to be in your shoes!!

much love!!

[Mystonique]

I'm so glad you were able to talk to each other about it.

Always bear in mind stress makes us act completely crazy ... and we often don't realise how crazy we are at the time. I suspect you are BOTH under a lot of stress at the moment. When the stress passes the crazy does too so mostly you have to remember who he is when he's not stressed and try to remember who you are when you aren't too.

I agree that the travel company has a serious gall not refunding you in the circumstances, it's really outrageous.