I'm going to scream

[Angel]

I have a feeling you're all going to get sick of me and my wedding, but I really value you guys and I'm really getting stressed and don't know what to do. I really need some advice. And yes, it is in regards to my sister and mother.

You see, I asked my sister to be my bridesmaid and got the response "Whatever" in a tone that both Chris and I heard as "No", but for clarification I told her that no one was going to make her if she didn't want to and she shrugged and said "fine" so Chris has remembered it as a no and I remember the conversation and tone. Still, I asked her to go trying a dress on with me, and she agreed all the way up till the day when she mysteriously vanished and STILL hasn't explained why, but we're certain it was a pub. After that and the heartache it caused me, I told my mum that I didn't want her as my bridesmaid because she couldn't be trusted and if she wasn't going to come to the first dress trying, then I didn't want her at the rest...

So of course, when mum came to pick Chris and I up today, my sister was there with her. I expected this to a degree. The moment mum told her I didn't want it, she would of course pipe up that she wanted to be there. I just didn't expect mum to tell her.

Anyway, we go in and try the dresses on and I totally regretted every second of it. The dresses were brilliant! I found another one I adored, but most of them were size 12 or above...and I'm a size 8, so it was rather huge. They either fit me perfectly or fell off me as I'm the perfect size for slender dresses and not even remotely the generic larger sizes. Now my sister is around an 18, and in good humour I mentioned that the size 14 was huge on me and I felt really uncomfortable because it kept falling down and it was like wearing Bobs clothes...which prompted a very cruel scowl and the order to "Just shut up" I got very angry and told her that I didn't ask her to be there and if she doesn't want to be then she can leave...or words to that effect but less harsh. Well if she's a size 18, and I say a 14 is like wearing her clothes, it's not insulting. It's a smaller size and it's not as though the size difference is un noticable.

Next, after I tried on the last dress, my mum says to the assistant, does she mind if bob tries on this bridesmaids dress. I'm barely out of the wedding dress, I asked her and she said no, I hadn't even looked at this dress...WTF is going on? Well my sister now wants to be a bridesmaid. She wants a purple dress...there is no purple in my colour scheame. And it's not a style that suits anything. Further more, it did nothing for her figure and didn't fit her because she went for a size 14!

The dress she chose was horrific! But keeping my mouth shut, I went and got one that actually worked for her figure and...she couldn't put it on...I had to dress her. She's 21 and doesn't know how to wear a dress. The underskirt was over the bust >_< But again it wasn't a colour or style that I wanted, but as she was trying on, I thought I'd at least show her what style actually suited her frame.

But she's pretty much sulked the entire way home and the entire meal. So now I'm left in a sticky situation...I've got her as a bridesmaid, whilever it suits her to be one, and only for the things that suit her. She ruined my day and I can't say anything because I know I'll come across as the B***h. I really wanted her as a bridesmaid if she'd behave herself, but even Chris commented on how she was out for all the attention. Not interested in helping, just wanting the attention. He was in the pub while we were doing dresses.

The thing is, we know from experiance it's only going to get worse. She's going to insist on a dress that doesn't suit the outfits we've all got. me and my three bridesmaids are in tulle...she wants taffeta. I'm in Ivory, my girls are in forest green with orange/gold highlights...she wants lilac. My girls and I are all in bodices where the tulle skirt puffs out...she wants a pencil dress...My girrls are fresh faced, I'm in natural make-up....my sister will be in bright purple eyeshadow, thick black mascara and very heavy black eyeliner and hooker lipstick as Chris referred to it today. She's camera shy so getting group photographs is going to be a nightmare...arranging children is hard enough, but coaxing an adult too...

Thew thing is...she's my baby sister...What can I do?
I wanted her there, but she's so hard work and I can't tell her about it, because she shrugs it off and ignores me anyway...
Do I tell mum? "Well she never said no" is her answer. Except my mum wasn't there and it sounded like a no to us. She hasn't been involved in anything and doesn't seem to want to work with us at all! Plus...what sort of monster disinvites her baby sister to be a bridesmaid?

I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do!God that girl should apply for the role of evil genius! She's so good at creating inner turmoil and making me doubt myself!

[maggs]

Angel I know you have tread carfully because she is your sister and you really do want her at your wedding. But it is YOUR WEDDING and what you say goes. I think you have to put things straight to her and say this is the style of dress you have chosen for the bridesmaids and perhaps give her a choice of colours that will fit with your colour scheme and leave it at that. If she want's to be a part of the wedding she will fall in line with your wishes.

Don't let her spoil what should be a happy time for both Chris and yourself.

[Fljotsdale]

Well... seems to me you can do one of 3 things:

1) Tell her to get lost - it's your wedding, you want it the way you want it and if she won't co-operate she can't be part of it. (Which, ok, will cause a lot of bad feeling and you won't be any happier, will you? but at least there are no compromises).

or

2) For the sake of peace and quiet let her have her own way, and just don't encourage her to join in the photo if she's camera-shy - the purple won't look good anyway! (Ok, you won't be happy, but everyone else will think how kind and thoughtful you are! and your sister will be content)

or

3) Ask Chris to say what he thinks, and then both of you discuss it with the whole family. (Could lead to arguments, but at least you are involving the family and they will be able to help, hopefully).

[frankattleborough]

I think maggs has got the right approach. You must be firm with your Sister, tell her straight that this is YOUR wedding and she can either fall in with your plans or lose out in being your bridesmaid.

Tell her that she is upsetting you, but that is your answer to her and if she isn't prepared to go along with that then she is welcome to attend the wedding but that is all.

Words of wisdom from the old one!

[karen4bells]

I think maggs has got the right approach. You must be firm with your Sister, tell her straight that this is YOUR wedding and she can either fall in with your plans or lose out in being your bridesmaid.

Tell her that she is upsetting you, but that is your answer to her and if she isn't prepared to go along with that then she is welcome to attend the wedding but that is all.

Words of wisdom from the old one!

I definitely agree! It's your day to shine after all and that's just the way it goes!

[Jaki :)]

Have to say I agree with Maggs as well x It's your day not hers, her own big day will come & I'm sure she'd want things her way then but til then this is yours & don't let it spoil yours, you can't be expected to change your whole colour scheme to suit 1 spoiled & very childish adult xx hugs xx

[janieface]

Totally agree with maggs - it's YOUR wedding day. You should have whatever you want. My apologies if any of what I say is out of line here, but it sounds like your sister is behaving like a child!

Weddings and the planning of them can be very stressful - I accidentally trod on a few toes when I was planning mine, but if you compromise for everyone else, where's YOUR special day? There's bound to be *some* compromises along the way, but your sister is being massively unfair. Have the day that *you* want and love every second of it.

[stitchiemom]

It is your day, and you can always take the saying "I can only please one person today, and this is not your day!"
I have been in similar shoes. My brother decided he was not going to have anything to do with my dad because of a decision that my dad made. My mom and I got over this problem and when I got married, my brother was not there because my dad was. I was originally not going to have my dad walk me down the aisle, but at the last minute I changed my mind. To this day, even though I have divorced that husband, I am glad for my decision as my dad died two years later. My brother and I still have a good relationship, but my wedding was for me and my husband, not anyone else in the family. **also glad I had small weddings, last one was with justice of the pease **

[kell]

It is YOUR wedding, She should either fall in with what YOU wish (ie the dress and colour scheme YOU choose) or bow out now. Similarly, if she (or you) thinks she's likely to throw a tantrum, she needs to realise there is no place for that kind of behaviour, you won't stand for it, and she needs to step aside. Nothing about this wedding is about her - it is about YOU AND CHRIS. End of story. And to quote Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that!"

[freelady]

I agree with the other comments fully. Maybe she should read what we all have to say!! Boy, that would put the cat among the pigeons, wouldn't it?!?

[MaggieM1750]

You can't expect your sister to act any differently on your wedding day than she is now. You can't.. you know how she will behave and expecting her to act the way you want her too will only continue to drive you insane.
So your options are to involve her.. which means you have to go along with her doing it her way.. because past behavior says you cannot expect it otherwise. Or to not have her a part of the bridal party and she can join in your festivities as an invited guest.
I have been to weddings where siblings we not part of the wedding party. Thats just the way it is sometimes. But expecting her to change her behavior to suit you will only further the rift between you. It sounds like you want the fairy tale of a happy fun shopping trip with your mother and your sister.. but your sister has made it clear that won't be happening. For whatever her reason, she is not interested in sharing in this with you. Let her go.. and enjoy this happy time.

[dollystitcher]

I am with Maggs, It is your wedding and the choices should be yours. Be firm with her and make it clear that you are not going to be manipulated by her childish behaviour

[Arianwen]

I agree with everyone else -it is YOUR day and YOU should get to have it how YOU want it.

I would sit down with her and Chris and your mum and dad and lay the situation out for her. She is your baby sister and you want her to be involved but only if she can act her age and behave properly. Tell her it is your day and this is what you have already picked for the bridesmaids dresses because she gave you the impression that she didnt want to be involved through her words and actions. If she wants to go ahead and wear the purple dress, thats fine, but then she wont be a bridesmaid. If she wants to be a bridesmaid she needs to pull her socks up and go with what you want on your wedding day and help out/be supportive when shes agreed to be.

This way youve laid things out AND you have witnesses. If she plays up on the day then one of you can pull her aside and have words. From her behaviour, I think you need to start treating her like you would a younger person and be totally firm in what youre saying.

Hope it all sorts itself out.

[2Danes]

Angel Honey...you have no obligation to have your sister as a bridesmaid. As said before over and over THIS IS YOUR DAY! There I yelled it at you Call it over seas sisterly love You have enough stress planning this wedding, you don't need more from your sister. You can sit her down and explain that she can except that this is YOUR day, be happy for you and HELP you, or she can step back and someone else can take her place as a brides maid. Let her know that you would expect her support in some things along with her presence in others. If she can't meet these qualifications, then you WILL have to find someone else

Take a deep breath and talk to Chris first and get his thoughts on this, it's his day too after all

And nope...not tired of wedding plans!! there are lots of people here who can offer different approaches to things and help maybe.

[Wandatoo]

I heartily agree with what everyone else has said - particularly about sitting down with witnesses. Sounds like things get twisted around to her point of view if you talk to her alone.

Also, since you're not getting married for a while yet, if you don't sort her out now, you'll be miserable for quite a while!

As everyone has said, be reasonable, calm and firm with her. Then you've done all you can be expected to do, so don't feel badly if she won't agree to 'behave'!

[Fljotsdale]

Y'know - I've been thinking about your sister. She is a big girl - size 18, yes? And you are a slim girl.
She had originally decided she didn't really want to be your bridesmaid, despite all your plans when you were younger; and I'm wondering - could that be because of the difference in your sizes?

I'm wondering, could she feel she is being pressured into being your bridesmaid (even if she isn't in fact)? And that therefore she ALSO feels "If I have to do it, I'm damn well doing it MY way!"?

I know she is being a real pain in the butt, but I'm sort of a bit sorry for her. I know how it feels to be fat and feel unattractive. It's hell when you are young - and she is, despite her 20some years.

Just a thought.

[Gary]

Angel, As a retired United Methodist clergy having performed hundreds and hundreds of weddings I think I can say I've seen it all. I'm sure it's the same on this side of the pond as on yours. Someone is often unhappy, but it shouldn't be the bride. My advice always was, you are the bride and it's your wedding. We will do what you would like. Again, someone is sure to not be pleased with whatever takes place, and there is no reason it should be you. Plan the wedding with the love of your life, the groom. Have fun on the great day, and if your sister has to be unhappy, so be it. This is my first message and it's not about X-stitching, but I thought your wedding was too important to pass up without making a comment. Gary

[Nachstenliebe]

Well said, Gary! I agree with him. I can see what you are saying Fljotsdale about how the real issues may be your sister's insecurites, but I don't think the day of your wedding is the proper time to try to sort that out. It's your wedding day, it's supposed to be about you, and although it may hurt your sister's insecurities that's not your fault. You didn't make her feel uncomfortable and unwanted in this special time, if anything you've been pretty gracious. You've been too concerned about your sister's feelings, and you shouldn't.. You are the star.. and what the star wants, the star gets.
Faith

[*barb*]

i would give her the flick..she is unreliable now, what she will be like on the day...that is a huge chance to take, she may mess up on the day...yours and garys day.

find someone else. Lose the stress and enjoy the planning!!!

[Raven]

Angel, I have to agree with what everyone else has posted. This is YOUR day and you already know she won't behave. I would get another bride's maid rather than rely on her.


HUGS
Raven